A Letter to My Ninth-Grade Self

Dear 14 year old Lauren,

                Hey there. Long time, no see. I’ll be honest – I haven’t thought about you much in the past few years. I’ve always believed that it was more important to keep my eyes towards the future, constantly moving forward. But this year has taught me that sometimes, it’s necessary to glance back at the past. If you’re lucky, you’ll be thrilled with the progress that’s been made and the puzzle pieces that have fallen into place. Most of the time, the road in your rearview mirror will be peppered with smiles and regret. And at the worst, you’ll learn and gain perspective.

                That being said, I have some advice for you. I know, I know, I seem like the last person who should be offering guidance; but believe me, no one knows your future better than I do.

                You’ll walk in on your first day of high school with stars in your bright eyes and a cold, hard knot of apprehension in your belly. You’ll take your seat in homeroom, look around at the faces you’ve known for years, and sigh in relief. You’re back in your comfort zone, and suddenly that deep well of self-confidence that your mother instilled in you doesn’t seem quite so far away.

                Get used to being out of your element. Be prepared to be stripped of everything familiar to you and to be plopped down in the middle of foreignness that will be more frightening and brilliant than anything you’ve ever experienced. The moments you’ll remember most will be the ones that challenged you to branch out beyond what is comfortable.

                You’ll sail through your high school classes with ease. US History? What a breeze. Geometry? No problem. The A’s will keep piling up, because anything less is simply not an option. That perfectionist attitude will be a gnat that constantly buzzes in your ear, reminding you to succeed (or else). There are things going on in your life that you can’t control – but your grades and intelligence are definitely not in that category.

                Prepare for failure. Become comfortable with the idea that not every endeavor will result in a gold star. I can assure you that once you break free from the safe bubble of your hometown, the things that you aren’t great at will seem to completely overwhelm the things that you are talented in. And that’s okay! You will fall on your face more times than you can count – and more importantly, you will get back up every time.

                It won’t take long for you to realize that this is not an ideal world, and people aren’t as nice as you had hoped. You’ll be generous to friends who may not be so kind in return. In response, you’ll cut and trim your list of confidantes down to a select few, and while you’ll keep that smile on your face at all times, you’ll also keep up an impenetrable wall.

                Don’t be afraid to feel. Don’t be so skeptical and cynical that you miss out on someone or something unforgettable. Opening yourself up will never be easy – but it is possible, and it is necessary. I can tell you from experience that the people you least expect will be the ones to surprise you. And those that surprise you will most likely be the ones who will change your life.

                You are going to face things during the next few years that no one should have to endure. As you go from doctor to doctor, your spirit will be strong, but one thought will reverberate in the back of your mind: “This isn't fair.” You’ll grow your hair out long to cover up that straight, pink line that goes down your spine, and whenever anyone asks you how you’re doing, your response will always be the same: “I've been better, but I’m doing alright.”

                It doesn't get easier, but you will get stronger. I wish I could say that I know what lies at the end of this road, but I don’t. What I do know is that one day, we will both look back and find a silver lining. Do not be ashamed of your trials and display your marks with pride; a warrior is always proud of her battle scars. This part of your life will be integrated into your character for as long as you live. Resilience and courage will be so interwoven with your soul that you will hold your chin a little higher with every passing day.

                I know that you have the tendency to get a little stressed out. I know that sometimes, when things aren’t going as planned, you feel like everything is falling apart. I get it. But here’s the thing – as much as this sounds like a bad Hallmark card, you are blessed beyond measure. Take the shades of fastidiousness and ambition off of your eyes every once in a while, and take in the light that surrounds you.

                Hug your family a little tighter. Pray a little longer. Take some time to read that book you’ve always wanted to. When a job needs to be done, do it. Pick up the phone when someone seems to be on your heart. Look around at the slice of heaven you’re in and breathe it all in. Live.

                You won’t regret it. See you soon.

Yours, quite literally,

                19-year old Lauren

A Leap of Faith

To be honest, I don't know why I'm writing this. Or why I'm putting this out for others to read. It's been a long time coming.

Normally, these blog posts come after I've felt some kind of resolution. Another semester at UNC under the belt? I write about how I've grown. A summer that ended too soon? I write about the bittersweet experience of leaving something behind for even greater opportunities. "Hopefully the last" surgery recovery period almost complete? I write about how I've gotten through. Once the curtain has closed and loose ends are tied, I feel satisfied and confident and inspired enough to put things into words and hope that someone reads them. Predictability. It's just my style.

So why write now? When things are the messiest they've been in awhile and I have no clue which way I'm going? I have no idea. But here we are.

Maybe it's because I keep feeling - and feeling, and feeling, and feeling - so many emotions, all at once, overwhelmingly, or sometimes feel nothing at all, and this is the best way for me to process things.

Things like frustration. Frustration at the fact that the road to health I've been on for over four years now doesn't seem to have an end that I can see. Frustration that the treatments never seem to cease, and that each one gets my hopes up, only for them to plummet back to Earth. Frustration because it's been awhile since I've felt God's tangible presence in my life. Frustration that so many people I allow myself to get close to end up disappointing me in some way.

Guilt. Guilt because there are people out there in drastically worse situations that have a better outlook than I do. Guilt stemming from how I always feel the need to be stronger, more optimistic, more determined. Guilt from knowing, deep down, that I've been putting up a wall between myself and God, even though I've denied it.

Restlessness. Like I'm spinning my wheels and going nowhere. Restless, torn between wanting to go out and see the world and never wanting to leave the comfort of my home. Restless and scared that I've yet to set concrete plans for my future.

Fear. Fear that the resolution I so eagerly desire won't come any time soon. Fear that the success I crave is unattainable. Fear that I'll slowly lose touch of myself and become someone so cynical that I won't recognize her.

So why am I displaying the skeletons in my closet when I'd normally do anything but? My closest friends joke around with me and say that I'm "the most unemotional female they've met", in the sense that I always let my head rule over my heart. Yet here I am, writing about the things I'm the most vulnerable about.

Maybe it's because I know how it feels to try and put up a front because it's the socially acceptable thing to do, and I know how many people in my life tend to do the same thing. Maybe it's because I want it to be known that I haven't really been myself lately, but I'm determined to come back.

Because in the midst of all this madness, my life is still peppered with blessings. They come in the form of a friend's phone call, right when I need it the most. Or in a long, tight hug from my sister, right when I'm worried that she's growing up and I'm missing it. In my mother, who heals my broken heart when hers is breaking as well. In my roommate, who can almost always look at me and tell when something's wrong. And in those moments that, like a comet, blind me with how blazingly beautiful and passionate they are, even if they don't last.

I'm not perfect. Through the course of writing this, I almost chickened out and closed the window. I haven't published it yet, so I still might.

I'm far from resolution. I'm far from being able to look back at this and write my usual neat, tidy blog post. In fact, this one is probably as all over the place as I am. But here's the beautiful thing - one day, I WILL be able to. I'll be able to realize how the pieces fell into place. I'll look up to the sky, laugh, and say, "Sorry, God. Shoulda known you had it under control". My testimony, which is currently resembling the composure of this entry, will fall into place, too. And it'll be ready and waiting for someone to hear who's in the middle of their own chaos. It's worth waiting for. It's worth persevering for. And I can't wait!

"It's rarely the easy, comfortable times that God's doing good. Every time God's doing something amazing in my heart, it's when everything is falling around me."

- Mike Donehey, Tenth Avenue North

Reflections of Summer 2012

I suppose it's getting to be around that time where my family and friends who follow this blog are expecting my typical post - the one that summarizes the events of my summer and describes how wonderful they were and how they shaped me and propelled me forward.

Unfortunately, I can't exactly write one of those right now.

Because the truth is, this summer was hard for me. Really hard. And instead of the past few months leaving me refreshed and excited for the upcoming school year, I feel more weary and aged than ever. Normally, I would be inspired to write, aching to put down my thoughts and share them with whoever cares to read along. But life has a funny way of showing you that "normal" is a very precarious and uncertain state, one that can be broken at any time. 

Here lately, I've done a lot of growing up. I got my first "real" job and learned to appreciate everything that my parents have done for me even more than I previously did. I've also watched as curveball after curveball has been thrown at my family, not even giving us a chance to get on our feet before we're knocked back down. Through all of this, I've grown even closer to them than I was before (something that I didn't believe to be possible). This will inevitably make my return to school much more difficult.

I've noticed myself start to change as well. For someone who's always had a touch of sarcasm to color my sense of humor, I can't help but to see situations a bit more cynically. It's hard not to question why a break never seems to come often - or at all. Though I try not to dwell on those thoughts, it's getting harder and harder for me not to. This attitude has started to extend itself towards some of the people in my life as well. I guess that's what happens when you watch those you once held in high regard phase into complete strangers.

Now that I've managed to get through the hard part, please don't think that this summer has turned me into a sulking, scornful shell of who I used to be. I have still had some great times with wonderful people that I will remember for a lifetime. I've grown closer to those most important to me, I've laughed loudly and often, and I have genuinely enjoyed my time here in little ol' Johnston County. The difference is that I'm realizing that, while my life is surely touched by the hands of God and blessed beyond measure, sometimes it's just hard. That's it. No poetic words, no analogies, no literary elements courtesy of a Carolina education. Life can be hard. And while I refuse to sit here and feel sorry for myself, I now see that it's okay to acknowledge it once in a while. 

I know that this isn't normally my type of writing. I prefer the light, frilly type that leaves me (and hopefully those who read it) feeling uplifted and inspired. But I've also been taught to write what I know, and right now, this is it. This is as real as it gets, regardless of how hard it was for me to put it into words.

I move into UNC in less than a week. I will once again leave my family and the safety and comfort of my small town. This time, however, I will not be alone. I'll be reunited with people that I have grown to love and I look forward to meeting even more that I can consider family.

The title of this blog is The Brink of Something Beautiful. The reason for that is because I feel that God has brought all of us to see some gorgeous, glimmering image of His perfection at some point in our lives, whether we chose to acknowledge it as such or not. And no matter how bleak or dark a situation may seem, I think that we are still on the edge of that perfection, sitting right on the brink. He never allows us to stray far enough from it that a few steps of faith, though they may be difficult, cannot bring us back to it. I refuse to believe anything other than that now.

So here I am, at the end of yet another post; one that may not reach too many eyes, or heal any hearts, or make the feeling of putting myself out there get any easier. Here I am during a difficult period in my life that has left me feeling grateful, exhausted, and uninspired all at once. Here I am, and here we are, all sitting on the brink of something beautiful, something life-changing, something real. Something that will persevere through the darkness, even if we struggle to do so. And throughout the heartache and laughter and frustration and joy, that's something worth striving for. It's definitely enough for me.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.  

Reflections of Freshman Year

9 months ago, I was saying my tearful goodbyes to my family and friends, moving my belongings into a tiny (and pretty sketchy) dorm room, and starting a brand new journey with brand new people.

Then, I blinked.

And here I am, with two semesters of classes under my belt and what's been the most difficult and rewarding experience of my life so far. Or at least, it sure seems like it happened that quickly. Looking back on the past year, I'm amazed at how much I've grown in so many ways. Everyone told me that UNC Chapel Hill was one of the absolute best places to receive a high quality education. But you see, no one told me that I would learn so much more outside of the classroom than I could in any lecture hall. That's something I had to figure out for myself. 

I've learned how joyous it is to fall in love with my Savior and to pursue a relationship with Him because I want to - not because I know it's the right thing to do, but because I have a physical, spiritual, and emotional need to be filled with Him.

I've learned what it's like to be surrounded by authentic Christians - not the "Facebook Christians", self-righteous Christians, and Sunday morning Christians that I've previously dealt with. I spent the year with people who have no problem admitting their shortcomings and repenting for them, and we've all grown together as a result.

I've learned that natural intelligence only gets you so far. Hard work is most definitely essential to success. Unfortunately, I'm not lucky enough to breeze by in anything anymore; but it's so much more satisfying to reap the rewards of your efforts.

I've learned how awesome it is to have so many people who genuinely care for me, even though I really haven't known them all that long. This past year, the word "friendship" was completely redefined for me.

I've learned how it feels to take a huge risk on someone - a gigantic leap of faith - and have it completely backfire. More importantly, I've learned to be okay with that. 

I've learned just how essential my family is to my life and how incomplete I feel when I'm away from them. That being said, I feel so thankful to have an unwavering and infallible support system that's always there when I need it most.

I've learned how incredibly lucky I am to have the opportunity to sit up til the wee hours of the morning pulling my hair out over an assignment, the chance to take those God-awful finals, and the resources to make my dreams come true. 

I've learned how great it feels to prove people wrong.

Don't worry, the time I've spent in the classroom has been more than rewarding. I've learned about cellular respiration and genetics. I've learned about statistical significance testing and retrograde motion of planets. I've learned about narrative discourse and the VSEPR theory. But all of that pales in comparison to what I've experienced.

I've experienced love. I've experienced joy. I've experienced passion. I've experienced courage and strength and determination.

And I have a feeling this is only a taste of what's yet to come in the next three years. 

 

Q&A.

"Give me one reason to stay, and I'll stay. Give me one reason to leave, and I'll leave. I don't need you to need me; I'll be just fine being free."

I never fully understood the old adage "stuck between a rock and a hard place" until right now. It's to be so trapped between two extremes, each one so important yet so impossible, that you feel as if you're suffocating. Neither one makes sense. Neither one provides the best way out. So, you're stuck in this indecisive, confusing sandwich. Or maybe that's not what it means at all. Who knows anymore?

What do you do when the role you've played your whole life is suddenly cast to someone else, leaving you to play the part you swore you never would? What happens when the hunter becomes prey? The teacher becomes the student? The prince and his valiant steed become the ever-so-irritating damsel in distress? What do you do?

Where do you go from such a path of confusion? At a crossroads where each turn seems abominable? Choice One - maintain your dignity, take the safe way out, yet forever wonder. Choice Two - take that frightening leap, ignore every freakin' ounce of instinct, and risk forever kicking yourself for your stupidity. How do you make a decision like that?

How do you make sense of something that makes no sense at all? How can you handle a situation where every lesson you've previously learned from experience is negated, marked out with a permanent marker, crumbled and incinerated? For the first time in my life, there's no case study to use as an example for what actions I should take. There's no math formula or scientific theory to explain the correct course. The only tools I have to obtain answers are feelings. And quite frankly, that scares the daylights out of me.

Answers. Are there ever answers? Or just options? I've said all I want are answers. Clarity. Now, I'm not so sure. Regardless of what happens, I can't come up with a solution that I'd be fully and completely happy with. Is the situation that screwed up, or is it just me?

What do you do?

I suppose I'll just stay in the middle, teetering on this tightrope I'm walking, smiling and ignoring this brick wall I ram into everyday. At least I'm good at it. 

Reflections of Winter Break

So the whole, "I'm going to start blogging regularly" thing didn't work out so well. Therefore, one of my new year's resolutions is to try to write at least once a month. I'm guessing that's going to go as well as my "stop eating junk food and start working out" resolution will, which means it won't happen. Worth a shot though, so here goes :)

It's officially the last day of my winter break, and it absolutely flew by. The past 3 weeks were a blessing as I spent them with the most amazing family on Earth. It's true that the Lord works in mysterious ways. I left school in late December thinking that my break would be miserable and possibly relaxing. Little did I know that I would not only remember it as my best one yet, but that I would also learn so many lessons. 

The first thing I learned was that no matter the situation, God always has something good lined up to come out of it. He has taught me that I am strong and courageous; I was placed in a position that many people would have given up in (and many people thought I should as well), but I'm not a quitter. I've set myself up for an extremely difficult road, but I can't allow myself to take the easy way out. But I'll be alright - I have great friends to walk me through it.

 

That leads me to my next realization - true friendship has nothing to do with how long you've known someone, but how much you mean to someone. I have definitely realized that over the past 3 weeks. I read a quote once that said, "you are who your friends are." Oh how true that is! I treasure the few true friends I have at home, but high school sets you up for the unrealistic expectation that you'll remain close with everyone in the years to come, while most of those friendships are based on superficial qualities. It's funny to think that a few months ago I was worried about making friends at school considering now I can't imagine my life without them. :) I've never felt so blessed for my friends in my life, and it's an amazing feeling to know that I am exactly where I'm meant to be! The older I get, the more I realize that you can't please everyone. And the older I get, the less I care. There are more important things and more important people to worry about; and while that makes me feel extremely old, I also feel liberated.

I've also figured out that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can't change someone unless they have the desire to. In fact, sometimes it leads to the complete opposite effect that you wanted. Sometimes, people become bitter, angry, and lose their way. And sometimes, there's nothing you can do for them but pray. I can tell I've grown in my faith because, even though I have a very quick temper, I don't stay mad for long or hold grudges. It's not hard anymore to pray for those who have done me wrong.

I definitely would have never guessed that one break could have clarified so much for me, made me so much stronger, brought the important things into focus, or made me feel so incredibly thankful, especially considering that to most, what I've been through is terrifying. Now, as I sit here on my last night in Friendly Kenly, I feel crushed. I miss everyone at UNC terribly, but there's always a gaping hole in my heart that can never really be filled as long as I'm away from my family. I'm about to start a brand new semester, one that will be filled with obstacles. The truth is, I may not even be able to finish what I'm going to start. But regardless of the outcome, there will be rewards. I feel sure of that.

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead." Philippians 3:13

A List That Could Go On For Miles

Things I'm Thankful For:

- A loving Savior who forgives me everytime I screw up (which is often)

- My amazing family that always supports me, comforts me, and takes care of me, in my brightest of times and darkest moments

- The opportunity to receive an education from the most amazing school

- The comfort of my warm home, my couch, my bed, my electronics, my clothes

- Books that take me to other worlds and enrich my mind

- The new friends that I've made this year that I know will last for a lifetime; friends who genuinely care about me and wish to see me do well

- The old friends I've known my whole life that, despite our distance, will always be there for me if and when I need them

- The aspects of my health that I so often take for granted

- The experiences that I've had throughout my life that so many would love to have

- The fact that I have the potential, willpower, and resources to make a difference in someone's life

I know I complain way too much sometimes, I'm human; but I am so incredibly blessed. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone :)