Why hey there, blogger.com. It's been way too long.
Since August, actually. Since I've gotten to school, I really haven't had much time to breathe, much less blog. What should I be doing right now? Writing a paper. But my mind is already in Thanksgiving break mode and it's just not going to happen at the moment. I've missed blogging, even though I never really got into it the way that I wanted to. I don't really have a focus for this entry, and my blogging skills are a bit rusty, so just bear with me. Or don't. That's cool too.
So if you're still here despite that horrible intro, I guess I'll start off by saying that I need a life. Yeah, I know, you're probably thinking, "Well Lauren, I could have told you that one." What I mean by this is that I've noticed here lately how much I talk about school, schoolwork, my future, grades, finals, etc etc etc. I mean hey, I'm at Carolina and this is kind of what we do - after all, that's what got us here, right? But I'm getting tired of letting it define the majority of my conversations. It already consumes almost all of my time. I would say I need a hobby, but I don't have time for one. Blegh. #firstworldproblems
Seriously though, despite the constant stress of school (which I will try not to complain about because that's why I am here and what will get me far in life and yadda yadda), I feel incredibly blessed to have met people that I know genuinely care about me. I haven't been here that long, and honestly I haven't had better friends in my entire life. Everyone here is so amazing and I'm glad to have found them. God definitely put them in my life for a reason and I am so thankful.
That being said, things aren't all gumdrops and roses right now. I normally try to keep a very optimistic outlook on my situation, but I got really down last night because I started to really focus on everything that has been taken from me. There are so many things I can't do - and yes, there are a ton of things I CAN do and I know there are people who would kill to switch lives with me, but it still sucks. Last night was the first time in a long time that I allowed myself to feel any kind of pity or sadness about it. And I immediately noticed the effects of it.
Instead of feeling happy for all that I do have, all I could focus on was how much I'm missing out on. And, though it may not seem like it to an outsider, there's a lot that I've missed out on throughout the years. I call it like I see it. Last night, instead thinking that soon it could get better, I sat in that dark theatre and couldn't help thinking about where I could be if this hinderance wasn't in my life.
As soon as I allowed myself to think this way, I became depressed and not like myself at all. I put on a good face for everyone and, being the wonderful people they are, my friends and family cheered me up to a degree. But once I had given myself the room to pity myself, it was as if I had unleashed a black hole inside of me that grew and grew.
I realized that I have to keep a strong face, positive attitude, and hopefulness, not only for those around me, but for myself. I know deep down that all of this is God's plan for me and that some good will have to come out of it, but it's hard to think about that all of the time. But I have come way too far and pushed through way too much to give up hope now. I have never been, nor will I ever be, a quitter. And I truly believe that if you sit around and feel sorry for yourself, you've given up that strength and determination that will get you through.
Believe it or not, even though those words flowed out of me, they were extremely hard to write. I'm not the type to tell anyone (other than my dear mom) how I'm feeling because I can't help but to think of it as a sign of weakness. I have this irrational fear that my concerns aren't legitimate enough, or I'm sounding like a big baby, mainly because I have heard so many people throughout my life whine and complain about things that are ridiculously irrelevant and petty and I've sworn to myself that I'll never stoop to that level (though I do have my moments.) But I'm also real and willing to admit that I can't keep up that cheerful personality 100% of the time. I'll assume if you've read this far, you probably care at least a smidgen of how I'm doing or what goes on inside my head, so thank you. Either that or you're extremely bored or nosy. Doesn't matter, I've been heard.
So now that I've spent about 30 minutes procrastinating on my ridiculously boring analytical English paper, I think I've scratched my blogging itch that's been bugging me for awhile. This wasn't a very good entry now that I look back on it... But it was what I was feeling at the time and I'm not gonna go back and change it, so DEAL WITH IT. lol jk you don't have to read ever again if you want, I understand. I've also noticed that I never go back and proofread any of my blogs because I feel like that'd take away the authenticity of it. Am I weird for that? Probably.
Anywho, this turned out longer than I thought it would. I think now I'll go and get some food and write a paper and deal with the awkwardness in my life (seriously I get myself into the weirdest situations) but what else is new? Keeps things interesting.
And if I can say one thing for sure, it's that my life stays interesting.
