Reflections of Summer 2012

I suppose it's getting to be around that time where my family and friends who follow this blog are expecting my typical post - the one that summarizes the events of my summer and describes how wonderful they were and how they shaped me and propelled me forward.

Unfortunately, I can't exactly write one of those right now.

Because the truth is, this summer was hard for me. Really hard. And instead of the past few months leaving me refreshed and excited for the upcoming school year, I feel more weary and aged than ever. Normally, I would be inspired to write, aching to put down my thoughts and share them with whoever cares to read along. But life has a funny way of showing you that "normal" is a very precarious and uncertain state, one that can be broken at any time. 

Here lately, I've done a lot of growing up. I got my first "real" job and learned to appreciate everything that my parents have done for me even more than I previously did. I've also watched as curveball after curveball has been thrown at my family, not even giving us a chance to get on our feet before we're knocked back down. Through all of this, I've grown even closer to them than I was before (something that I didn't believe to be possible). This will inevitably make my return to school much more difficult.

I've noticed myself start to change as well. For someone who's always had a touch of sarcasm to color my sense of humor, I can't help but to see situations a bit more cynically. It's hard not to question why a break never seems to come often - or at all. Though I try not to dwell on those thoughts, it's getting harder and harder for me not to. This attitude has started to extend itself towards some of the people in my life as well. I guess that's what happens when you watch those you once held in high regard phase into complete strangers.

Now that I've managed to get through the hard part, please don't think that this summer has turned me into a sulking, scornful shell of who I used to be. I have still had some great times with wonderful people that I will remember for a lifetime. I've grown closer to those most important to me, I've laughed loudly and often, and I have genuinely enjoyed my time here in little ol' Johnston County. The difference is that I'm realizing that, while my life is surely touched by the hands of God and blessed beyond measure, sometimes it's just hard. That's it. No poetic words, no analogies, no literary elements courtesy of a Carolina education. Life can be hard. And while I refuse to sit here and feel sorry for myself, I now see that it's okay to acknowledge it once in a while. 

I know that this isn't normally my type of writing. I prefer the light, frilly type that leaves me (and hopefully those who read it) feeling uplifted and inspired. But I've also been taught to write what I know, and right now, this is it. This is as real as it gets, regardless of how hard it was for me to put it into words.

I move into UNC in less than a week. I will once again leave my family and the safety and comfort of my small town. This time, however, I will not be alone. I'll be reunited with people that I have grown to love and I look forward to meeting even more that I can consider family.

The title of this blog is The Brink of Something Beautiful. The reason for that is because I feel that God has brought all of us to see some gorgeous, glimmering image of His perfection at some point in our lives, whether we chose to acknowledge it as such or not. And no matter how bleak or dark a situation may seem, I think that we are still on the edge of that perfection, sitting right on the brink. He never allows us to stray far enough from it that a few steps of faith, though they may be difficult, cannot bring us back to it. I refuse to believe anything other than that now.

So here I am, at the end of yet another post; one that may not reach too many eyes, or heal any hearts, or make the feeling of putting myself out there get any easier. Here I am during a difficult period in my life that has left me feeling grateful, exhausted, and uninspired all at once. Here I am, and here we are, all sitting on the brink of something beautiful, something life-changing, something real. Something that will persevere through the darkness, even if we struggle to do so. And throughout the heartache and laughter and frustration and joy, that's something worth striving for. It's definitely enough for me.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.  

Reflections of Freshman Year

9 months ago, I was saying my tearful goodbyes to my family and friends, moving my belongings into a tiny (and pretty sketchy) dorm room, and starting a brand new journey with brand new people.

Then, I blinked.

And here I am, with two semesters of classes under my belt and what's been the most difficult and rewarding experience of my life so far. Or at least, it sure seems like it happened that quickly. Looking back on the past year, I'm amazed at how much I've grown in so many ways. Everyone told me that UNC Chapel Hill was one of the absolute best places to receive a high quality education. But you see, no one told me that I would learn so much more outside of the classroom than I could in any lecture hall. That's something I had to figure out for myself. 

I've learned how joyous it is to fall in love with my Savior and to pursue a relationship with Him because I want to - not because I know it's the right thing to do, but because I have a physical, spiritual, and emotional need to be filled with Him.

I've learned what it's like to be surrounded by authentic Christians - not the "Facebook Christians", self-righteous Christians, and Sunday morning Christians that I've previously dealt with. I spent the year with people who have no problem admitting their shortcomings and repenting for them, and we've all grown together as a result.

I've learned that natural intelligence only gets you so far. Hard work is most definitely essential to success. Unfortunately, I'm not lucky enough to breeze by in anything anymore; but it's so much more satisfying to reap the rewards of your efforts.

I've learned how awesome it is to have so many people who genuinely care for me, even though I really haven't known them all that long. This past year, the word "friendship" was completely redefined for me.

I've learned how it feels to take a huge risk on someone - a gigantic leap of faith - and have it completely backfire. More importantly, I've learned to be okay with that. 

I've learned just how essential my family is to my life and how incomplete I feel when I'm away from them. That being said, I feel so thankful to have an unwavering and infallible support system that's always there when I need it most.

I've learned how incredibly lucky I am to have the opportunity to sit up til the wee hours of the morning pulling my hair out over an assignment, the chance to take those God-awful finals, and the resources to make my dreams come true. 

I've learned how great it feels to prove people wrong.

Don't worry, the time I've spent in the classroom has been more than rewarding. I've learned about cellular respiration and genetics. I've learned about statistical significance testing and retrograde motion of planets. I've learned about narrative discourse and the VSEPR theory. But all of that pales in comparison to what I've experienced.

I've experienced love. I've experienced joy. I've experienced passion. I've experienced courage and strength and determination.

And I have a feeling this is only a taste of what's yet to come in the next three years. 

 

Q&A.

"Give me one reason to stay, and I'll stay. Give me one reason to leave, and I'll leave. I don't need you to need me; I'll be just fine being free."

I never fully understood the old adage "stuck between a rock and a hard place" until right now. It's to be so trapped between two extremes, each one so important yet so impossible, that you feel as if you're suffocating. Neither one makes sense. Neither one provides the best way out. So, you're stuck in this indecisive, confusing sandwich. Or maybe that's not what it means at all. Who knows anymore?

What do you do when the role you've played your whole life is suddenly cast to someone else, leaving you to play the part you swore you never would? What happens when the hunter becomes prey? The teacher becomes the student? The prince and his valiant steed become the ever-so-irritating damsel in distress? What do you do?

Where do you go from such a path of confusion? At a crossroads where each turn seems abominable? Choice One - maintain your dignity, take the safe way out, yet forever wonder. Choice Two - take that frightening leap, ignore every freakin' ounce of instinct, and risk forever kicking yourself for your stupidity. How do you make a decision like that?

How do you make sense of something that makes no sense at all? How can you handle a situation where every lesson you've previously learned from experience is negated, marked out with a permanent marker, crumbled and incinerated? For the first time in my life, there's no case study to use as an example for what actions I should take. There's no math formula or scientific theory to explain the correct course. The only tools I have to obtain answers are feelings. And quite frankly, that scares the daylights out of me.

Answers. Are there ever answers? Or just options? I've said all I want are answers. Clarity. Now, I'm not so sure. Regardless of what happens, I can't come up with a solution that I'd be fully and completely happy with. Is the situation that screwed up, or is it just me?

What do you do?

I suppose I'll just stay in the middle, teetering on this tightrope I'm walking, smiling and ignoring this brick wall I ram into everyday. At least I'm good at it. 

Reflections of Winter Break

So the whole, "I'm going to start blogging regularly" thing didn't work out so well. Therefore, one of my new year's resolutions is to try to write at least once a month. I'm guessing that's going to go as well as my "stop eating junk food and start working out" resolution will, which means it won't happen. Worth a shot though, so here goes :)

It's officially the last day of my winter break, and it absolutely flew by. The past 3 weeks were a blessing as I spent them with the most amazing family on Earth. It's true that the Lord works in mysterious ways. I left school in late December thinking that my break would be miserable and possibly relaxing. Little did I know that I would not only remember it as my best one yet, but that I would also learn so many lessons. 

The first thing I learned was that no matter the situation, God always has something good lined up to come out of it. He has taught me that I am strong and courageous; I was placed in a position that many people would have given up in (and many people thought I should as well), but I'm not a quitter. I've set myself up for an extremely difficult road, but I can't allow myself to take the easy way out. But I'll be alright - I have great friends to walk me through it.

 

That leads me to my next realization - true friendship has nothing to do with how long you've known someone, but how much you mean to someone. I have definitely realized that over the past 3 weeks. I read a quote once that said, "you are who your friends are." Oh how true that is! I treasure the few true friends I have at home, but high school sets you up for the unrealistic expectation that you'll remain close with everyone in the years to come, while most of those friendships are based on superficial qualities. It's funny to think that a few months ago I was worried about making friends at school considering now I can't imagine my life without them. :) I've never felt so blessed for my friends in my life, and it's an amazing feeling to know that I am exactly where I'm meant to be! The older I get, the more I realize that you can't please everyone. And the older I get, the less I care. There are more important things and more important people to worry about; and while that makes me feel extremely old, I also feel liberated.

I've also figured out that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can't change someone unless they have the desire to. In fact, sometimes it leads to the complete opposite effect that you wanted. Sometimes, people become bitter, angry, and lose their way. And sometimes, there's nothing you can do for them but pray. I can tell I've grown in my faith because, even though I have a very quick temper, I don't stay mad for long or hold grudges. It's not hard anymore to pray for those who have done me wrong.

I definitely would have never guessed that one break could have clarified so much for me, made me so much stronger, brought the important things into focus, or made me feel so incredibly thankful, especially considering that to most, what I've been through is terrifying. Now, as I sit here on my last night in Friendly Kenly, I feel crushed. I miss everyone at UNC terribly, but there's always a gaping hole in my heart that can never really be filled as long as I'm away from my family. I'm about to start a brand new semester, one that will be filled with obstacles. The truth is, I may not even be able to finish what I'm going to start. But regardless of the outcome, there will be rewards. I feel sure of that.

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead." Philippians 3:13

A List That Could Go On For Miles

Things I'm Thankful For:

- A loving Savior who forgives me everytime I screw up (which is often)

- My amazing family that always supports me, comforts me, and takes care of me, in my brightest of times and darkest moments

- The opportunity to receive an education from the most amazing school

- The comfort of my warm home, my couch, my bed, my electronics, my clothes

- Books that take me to other worlds and enrich my mind

- The new friends that I've made this year that I know will last for a lifetime; friends who genuinely care about me and wish to see me do well

- The old friends I've known my whole life that, despite our distance, will always be there for me if and when I need them

- The aspects of my health that I so often take for granted

- The experiences that I've had throughout my life that so many would love to have

- The fact that I have the potential, willpower, and resources to make a difference in someone's life

I know I complain way too much sometimes, I'm human; but I am so incredibly blessed. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone :)

I am way too scatterbrained. But welcome back!

Why hey there, blogger.com. It's been way too long.

Since August, actually. Since I've gotten to school, I really haven't had much time to breathe, much less blog. What should I be doing right now? Writing a paper. But my mind is already in Thanksgiving break mode and it's just not going to happen at the moment. I've missed blogging, even though I never really got into it the way that I wanted to. I don't really have a focus for this entry, and my blogging skills are a bit rusty, so just bear with me. Or don't. That's cool too.

So if you're still here despite that horrible intro, I guess I'll start off by saying that I need a life. Yeah, I know, you're probably thinking, "Well Lauren, I could have told you that one." What I mean by this is that I've noticed here lately how much I talk about school, schoolwork, my future, grades, finals, etc etc etc. I mean hey, I'm at Carolina and this is kind of what we do - after all, that's what got us here, right? But I'm getting tired of letting it define the majority of my conversations. It already consumes almost all of my time. I would say I need a hobby, but I don't have time for one. Blegh. #firstworldproblems

Seriously though, despite the constant stress of school (which I will try not to complain about because that's why I am here and what will get me far in life and yadda yadda), I feel incredibly blessed to have met people that I know genuinely care about me. I haven't been here that long, and honestly I haven't had better friends in my entire life. Everyone here is so amazing and I'm glad to have found them. God definitely put them in my life for a reason and I am so thankful.

That being said, things aren't all gumdrops and roses right now. I normally try to keep a very optimistic outlook on my situation, but I got really down last night because I started to really focus on everything that has been taken from me. There are so many things I can't do - and yes, there are a ton of things I CAN do and I know there are people who would kill to switch lives with me, but it still sucks. Last night was the first time in a long time that I allowed myself to feel any kind of pity or sadness about it. And I immediately noticed the effects of it.

Instead of feeling happy for all that I do have, all I could focus on was how much I'm missing out on. And, though it may not seem like it to an outsider, there's a lot that I've missed out on throughout the years. I call it like I see it. Last night, instead thinking that soon it could get better, I sat in that dark theatre and couldn't help thinking about where I could be if this hinderance wasn't in my life. 

As soon as I allowed myself to think this way, I became depressed and not like myself at all. I put on a good face for everyone and, being the wonderful people they are, my friends and family cheered me up to a degree. But once I had given myself the room to pity myself, it was as if I had unleashed a black hole inside of me that grew and grew. 

I realized that I have to keep a strong face, positive attitude, and hopefulness, not only for those around me, but for myself. I know deep down that all of this is God's plan for me and that some good will have to come out of it, but it's hard to think about that all of the time. But I have come way too far and pushed through way too much to give up hope now. I have never been, nor will I ever be, a quitter. And I truly believe that if you sit around and feel sorry for yourself, you've given up that strength and determination that will get you through. 

Believe it or not, even though those words flowed out of me, they were extremely hard to write. I'm not the type to tell anyone (other than my dear mom) how I'm feeling because I can't help but to think of it as a sign of weakness. I have this irrational fear that my concerns aren't legitimate enough, or I'm sounding like a big baby, mainly because I have heard so many people throughout my life whine and complain about things that are ridiculously irrelevant and petty and I've sworn to myself that I'll never stoop to that level (though I do have my moments.) But I'm also real and willing to admit that I can't keep up that cheerful personality 100% of the time. I'll assume if you've read this far, you probably care at least a smidgen of how I'm doing or what goes on inside my head, so thank you. Either that or you're extremely bored or nosy. Doesn't matter, I've been heard.

So now that I've spent about 30 minutes procrastinating on my ridiculously boring analytical English paper, I think I've scratched my blogging itch that's been bugging me for awhile. This wasn't a very good entry now that I look back on it... But it was what I was feeling at the time and I'm not gonna go back and change it, so DEAL WITH IT. lol jk you don't have to read ever again if you want, I understand. I've also noticed that I never go back and proofread any of my blogs because I feel like that'd take away the authenticity of it. Am I weird for that? Probably.

Anywho, this turned out longer than I thought it would. I think now I'll go and get some food and write a paper and deal with the awkwardness in my life (seriously I get myself into the weirdest situations) but what else is new? Keeps things interesting. 

And if I can say one thing for sure, it's that my life stays interesting. 

"The bad news is, time flies. The good news is, you're the pilot."

I got that deep down feeling that I need to write and express my thoughts again, and decided not to suppress it. After all, there's been a LOT going on lately - and even more that'll be going on in the days to come.

So, I'll start from where I left off. The first concert of the summer was Rascal Flatts on July 31st, which is pretty much a yearly tradition for my friends and I. The group ate supper at bdubs in Garner before rolling up to Walnut Creek. Opening for RF was Justin Moore (who was okay, nothing special in my opinion), Easton Corbin (whom I had already seen once at FFA National Convention in Indianapolis - he once again put on a great show!), and Sara Evans (who did fantastic, she's so beautiful). Rascal Flatts didn't disappoint; like always, they kept the crowd entertained and Gary's vocals were almost always spot-on. We were run out of there at the end by a huge thunderstorm that randomly popped up. We got soaked from head to toe.. but it was still fun!

 Only a few days later, Michael & I were taking the long drive to Charlotte, NC to see yet another concert - Gavin DeGraw, Train, and Maroon 5. While I had seen Train once before, I was SO pumped to see Maroon 5! We had lawn seats, and actually got a great spot to see the stage. I also got to meet my roommate Nicole for the first time! Gavin DeGraw actually had a great setlist and performance (and only days later, he was attacked and put in the hospital. CRAZY!) Train, one of my favorite bands of all time, did amazing! I absolutely love Pat Monahan. However, there were a few songs that I love that they didn't play... Bummer. While the entire concert was phenomenal, NOBODY compared to Maroon 5. I have to say, they put on the best show I think I've ever seen. It doesn't hurt that Adam Levine is drop dead gorgeous either ;) I left the amphitheater absolutely blown away! It was worth the long drive and late arrival home. If they ever come back to the area, I'll definitely buy tickets right away!

Since the concerts, my days have consisted of a LOT of dorm/school shopping, relaxing by the pool, and hanging out with my friends whenever possible. There's been a lot of catching up dinners, late night swims, cookouts, and last minute plans, and I wouldn't trade a minute of it! That leads to the root of my emotions tonight... Time has absolutely flown. I feel like I just entered my freshman year, blinked, and now I'm moving into my dorm room in 10 days. The reality of it hadn't hit me until I had the realization, "Wow... My friends are actually starting to leave!" I went to a "going-away cookout" for a close friend of mine, but considering he hasn't moved in yet, it still seemed surreal... Then tonight, I had dinner with a group of friends. One of my closest friends since middle school, Kara, is moving in tomorrow to NC State. Wake up call, much? Now, I feel like the time is being sucked into this big black hole, like water trickling through my hands before I can hold onto it. Weren't we all just sitting in the lunchroom in 6th grade, still assigned to our "class table" and always in jeopardy of silent lunch? And didn't we just cheer our high school football team onto a landslide victory over Princeton? It's all so unbelievable. I guess it won't hit home fully until I'm on a campus with 28,000 people, alone with 4 or 5 acquaintances, fending for myself. 

I chose my title for a reason. I can honestly say that throughout high school, I've steered my "time" in all the right directions. Did I goof off when I should have been productive? Probably. Did I make some bad decisions? Definitely. Did I have a blast in the process? Absolutely. I have made so many close friends and even more incredible memories that mean the world to me. And despite the several friendships, I've learned through many trials which bonds actually mean something. I've seen too many people come out of high school with a group of "bffs" that are only in the relationship for his/her own benefit. The friends that would put your interests and feelings before their own? THEY'RE the ones that count. The ones that I know will be there for me no matter the distance between campuses. I'm thankful for the tons of people that I've bonded with throughout the years, but I'm even more blessed to have those that I know genuinely care for me and my well-being. And I love them right back!

Anyway, that's enough venting for the night. I'm sure I'll be busy the next week continuing to try to see the rest of my pals before we all go our separate ways. Til next time :)