Reflections of Summer 2012

I suppose it's getting to be around that time where my family and friends who follow this blog are expecting my typical post - the one that summarizes the events of my summer and describes how wonderful they were and how they shaped me and propelled me forward.

Unfortunately, I can't exactly write one of those right now.

Because the truth is, this summer was hard for me. Really hard. And instead of the past few months leaving me refreshed and excited for the upcoming school year, I feel more weary and aged than ever. Normally, I would be inspired to write, aching to put down my thoughts and share them with whoever cares to read along. But life has a funny way of showing you that "normal" is a very precarious and uncertain state, one that can be broken at any time. 

Here lately, I've done a lot of growing up. I got my first "real" job and learned to appreciate everything that my parents have done for me even more than I previously did. I've also watched as curveball after curveball has been thrown at my family, not even giving us a chance to get on our feet before we're knocked back down. Through all of this, I've grown even closer to them than I was before (something that I didn't believe to be possible). This will inevitably make my return to school much more difficult.

I've noticed myself start to change as well. For someone who's always had a touch of sarcasm to color my sense of humor, I can't help but to see situations a bit more cynically. It's hard not to question why a break never seems to come often - or at all. Though I try not to dwell on those thoughts, it's getting harder and harder for me not to. This attitude has started to extend itself towards some of the people in my life as well. I guess that's what happens when you watch those you once held in high regard phase into complete strangers.

Now that I've managed to get through the hard part, please don't think that this summer has turned me into a sulking, scornful shell of who I used to be. I have still had some great times with wonderful people that I will remember for a lifetime. I've grown closer to those most important to me, I've laughed loudly and often, and I have genuinely enjoyed my time here in little ol' Johnston County. The difference is that I'm realizing that, while my life is surely touched by the hands of God and blessed beyond measure, sometimes it's just hard. That's it. No poetic words, no analogies, no literary elements courtesy of a Carolina education. Life can be hard. And while I refuse to sit here and feel sorry for myself, I now see that it's okay to acknowledge it once in a while. 

I know that this isn't normally my type of writing. I prefer the light, frilly type that leaves me (and hopefully those who read it) feeling uplifted and inspired. But I've also been taught to write what I know, and right now, this is it. This is as real as it gets, regardless of how hard it was for me to put it into words.

I move into UNC in less than a week. I will once again leave my family and the safety and comfort of my small town. This time, however, I will not be alone. I'll be reunited with people that I have grown to love and I look forward to meeting even more that I can consider family.

The title of this blog is The Brink of Something Beautiful. The reason for that is because I feel that God has brought all of us to see some gorgeous, glimmering image of His perfection at some point in our lives, whether we chose to acknowledge it as such or not. And no matter how bleak or dark a situation may seem, I think that we are still on the edge of that perfection, sitting right on the brink. He never allows us to stray far enough from it that a few steps of faith, though they may be difficult, cannot bring us back to it. I refuse to believe anything other than that now.

So here I am, at the end of yet another post; one that may not reach too many eyes, or heal any hearts, or make the feeling of putting myself out there get any easier. Here I am during a difficult period in my life that has left me feeling grateful, exhausted, and uninspired all at once. Here I am, and here we are, all sitting on the brink of something beautiful, something life-changing, something real. Something that will persevere through the darkness, even if we struggle to do so. And throughout the heartache and laughter and frustration and joy, that's something worth striving for. It's definitely enough for me.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.